SlashHeart

2007-04-11T16:06:00.000+08:00

(25-34 / 50)..COWZzzZzzz..

Anyway I told myself not to give up, I shall try again for HI (Health Insurance)

..preparing for M5 tomorrow. and rushing my website updates.

2007-04-05T13:04:00.000+08:00

Projects, projects, projects.

Well at least I'm not lazying at home. The rest of this week will be projects and my revision on Health Insurance. My exam is next week, Wednesday.

My latest meeting was with a cafe owner of El Shiekh Cafe at Pahang Street, hope I get this project so I can post more photos of the place, its authentic lebanon cuisine, and they wanna have a website revamp as well as their food menu revamped. It would be so cool to redo someone's food menu.

At a whim, I took these pictures of pahang street..

Rundown, abandoned building - user to be a muslim tombstone maker.

Familar spiral staircases like the ones in bugis.

Extremely colour shop face, and I mean LITERALLY! look closer to see the face...

2007-04-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

"I'm back."
by The famous quote by the man in pitch black leather, shades and his Remington 870 Shotgun.

So GravenSoul has returned. And all I can say is I'm actually glad, glad to be away, finally away from all that in the past. I have decided to make the switch 2 weeks ago and fianlly I HAVE SWITCHED.

I think I will have to change somethings here.. to truly reflect my graven soul. I admit it, this dumb template was plainly a splitshot thing that I had really no time to do. hmmmm.. maybe I should get my own website and blog.

30th March 2006 - The day I had passed out from an organization that amazingly changes and changes its internal drives, organs and not to mention, brain. In the period of 3 years, it had been almost single handedly been transformed from a dingy place in the middle of an industrial area with no respectable food centre in a walking distance of 10 mins to a less dingy place in a building that had more years than my fingers and toes added together. This was the first place I knew that had a canteen that almost matched up to the organization's turnover rate. It had so many turnover of stalls that It almost spooked me, as if it held a grim premonition of a turnover happening in the organization. but at least there was respectable food, and furthermore shopping centres nearby.

It was a mix of emotions for someone I knew. But as for me, I just wanted to switch.

I made the switch boldly without a new job, and without 3 - 6 months of salary sitting in my bank account. But once I had released my faith, the other streams flowed in like dams that came aburst! Perhaps they were waiting for this chance.. but I know a greater power was looking after me. I know I shall not lack no matter what.

Before...
1 Day = (2700 / 20) = $135 (approx) or if i include CPF - (3536/20) = $176 (approx)
After...
1 Day = $300
After after...
1 Day = $500
...
... (and you can come up with the rest)

The power to define my own earnings.

This is far greater than working for someone. The potential is far greater than scaling corporate MNC ladders or SME stools.

I do admit this is not as sweet as a bed of roses but this is something dreamt & achievable. Why can people make $XX,XXX or $XXX,XXX per month or even day? This is the proof of that potential. If you can grasp this.. it just takes boldness to go for it, thats all.

Above all that, I have someone in high places, my heavenly Father to guide me. If I should brag, His provision is worth more to brag, His blessings are beyond measure.

2006-09-22T03:16:00.000+08:00

Goodbye sanity.

The worlds divided between this plain becomes more and more apparent, with each added strain, added pressure, the plain becomes a stretching desert between the now and the other.

Each transit to the other side somehow becomes more wicked, growing by the day. Each disappointment opens that path. A getaway.

The real world talks, and moves and so the other world moves in the opposite, just as what I perceive it to be. And more often fall into my pleasures and my wants.

Some places there are places i can go.. but may never return, some will lead to a complete distruct of self and thus all others, the balance to all that... is never certain because the operator is only human.

2006-05-27T21:00:00.000+08:00

This end of May has been a lot of hell for me.. rushing work. getting my project up to speed.

Cos of my starting month of May has been taken way too lightly, in the end got to rush up the whole project in my hands.. not to mention I totally had almost no time for my personal projects.

So the last week of May was for me to catch up.. seems everytime I try to catch up, She gets all racked up about the time I spent with her... well, for most of the month I get to spend some time with her after my work, and now i really go to catch up on lost time.. and she blows her top...

So again, i'm getting it.. another cold war, another "cooling off". Can't she understand i'm busy now.. its really the wrong time to throw such tantrums.

Its a moment cold and a moment hot.. I am so pressurized I could die... yar die just like that and leave this sickening place and body.

I just feel totally destroyed on the inside now. Today I wasted my time pulling myself together..

playing games, watching anime.. sleeping more..cos my mind is too tired when she has to tell me such things.. I also do not know... now she says its pointless to call me.. pointless to meet up.. this is probably my last call to you.. DAMN IT...DAMN IT...

2006-04-26T21:56:00.000+08:00

" This is a Hyper Competitive Generation.
Every Organisation and Individual is challenged to survive each moment."

This is a statement i will never forget, but as far as today has progressed, things did not turn out well. As usual, the tongue lashing... the moment i got that email on my mailbox, the bad report comes in so expected is the lash.

At the moment today, i feel so helpless, and somewhat afraid, also feel so much disappointment, each moment like this, a reminder of my mistakes, again and again. There is not a hint of encouragement now from that, just angry words.

I wonder if i have began to adapt to harsh words thrown at me, to smile back as if nothing is happening... or to bear the guilt and self conscious... my gosh self is so evil.

self would rather destroy me. by turning my thoughts to evil, raising its heirlings of fear.

i'm reminded of the night when i just screamed, without reason... all i know was a void, a fear, but the source of the fear is unknown to me.

at times.. i really wonder if any words i say makes sense... i am so afraid it does not make sense at all..so afraid everyone will misunderstand me... so afraid that i will be left alone... so afraid that i will be left behind.

so am i going insane?

tears flow so easily nowadays. dispair comes visting me so often too. my neighbours are evil, dispair, frustration, disappointment, loneliness, they love to come by my house, for whatever reason.

They take things away each time they come, and never return it.
frustration always speaks the loudest in the house, and is always angry, often my other things are thrown on the floor when he is around.
dispair loves to bring lots of tissues here, hidden in his pocket is a penknife, often he brandishes it infront of disappointment.
Disappointment is so keen to take the penknife from dispair, he is the oldest in the group, i saw once on his chest, many holes, each roughen, of many sizes, shapes and depths. An once he took the penknife from dispair and went to my bathroom and left after a long time there. When i returned to the bathroom, i saw Disappointment's part of his heart in the trash.
loneliness is the mother of dispair, she carries dispair around, constantly even when dispair is so big already. what great strength she.

actually i do not like any of these neighbours, i would want to move out of this neighbourhood.

2006-04-15T20:38:00.000+08:00

The situation now seems to be in a deadlock, her mental picture is fixed, there looks like no way that she can let go of what she thinks, and i'm stuck here trying to figure a way to settle this. i dun think my parents will give in, cos they feel like there is nothing to give in to.

I said once to them, she is my problem, domain, they dun have any rights to say anything about her, her issues belong to me, the way we do things is not for them to interfere, comment.

So now i have this issue.. what should i do? ask them to somehow "apologise" or explain? or.. what?

The longer this drags on, the further I drift away from all these.. towards the point where i cannot be bothered by all these.

2006-04-14T23:18:00.000+08:00

She is saying that i do not stand up for her, maybe by the time i did, it was too late.
My parents actually encourage the divorce with all types of nonsensical reasons, to all i rebuke

Now she drives me nuts with going ahead with the divorce and telling me what she thinks my parents meant.

I'm too naive to tell her everything my parents said... i regret it, this, all.

The only outlet is some self infliction.. other wise rage.

I do not know where to go on now, neither of what i want is seems to be possible, its almost impossible with the current deadlock situation, i'm getting more and more convinced that she can find a better hubby and in-laws out there.

its just too bad i'm like this. my fucking family is like this.

2006-04-13T13:40:00.000+08:00

She is leaving me... permanent. period.

Each day after what she said, and her intent drives my mind, soul to a place where i wish i can lay to rest.

Each day, each second, i feel myslf being eaten alive. slowly.

Each moment is a torture now, and i still go to face everyone else almost like nothing happened.

Am i a failure? have i failed in some sense?

2006-04-03T23:02:00.000+08:00

everyday seems low, all the more i come back home, hey mama and papa. thanks alot for adding another milimeter of pressure on me today.

Its not easy, i say its not easy to trust in what you believe in and hold onto it like a stubborn child to all the world. and then all the world just keeps on pounding, pound..pound..pound.

slowly, my sense seem to drift further and further away from the "real" world, everything becomes hateful to the brim, disgusting..just F-Off..

2006-02-28T22:35:00.000+08:00

It beats myself up just to see my own actions reflected and the truth of how much everyone says about who i am.

But this is what i make out of the feedback.. from a classic example.

I've just barely completed an Online Reverse Auction System..and felt the following strongly:

1. I had missed the timeline umpteen times, not because i truly had last minute pre-occupations, although some were.
2. What led to point 1 above was mainly the lack of self discilpline, control.
3. Too much anime...
4. I wasn't focused enough to want to see the whole project through
5. Slowly losing ownership of the project... not to mention control
6. Not resolute in my decisions, actions
7. Could be more honest with the timeline rather than be bugged continously for the closing up of the whole thing.

Great 7 sins eh?
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......

This is what my beloved friend just told me... I really need to find the true revelation of my own worth.. myself, its not a selffish nor unrighteous thing, rather than throwing myself down to rot, i believe there is a whole lot more good things waiting for me.

2006-02-22T13:07:00.000+08:00

.. each moment is precious, each moment costs something..

a moment's stare into emptiness discards an incomprehensible amount of opportunity away.

... gosh

2006-02-20T00:11:00.000+08:00

its not a normal day for me, neither has my schedules turned out normal for the entire week, even fate seems to be mocking me with the recent spates of emotional downs.

My friend's project isn't going as smoothly as i wanted it to be, this weekend was supposedly planned to squeeze in as much as i can do, but WTF.. anyways now here i am, officially into the 14th minute of Monday and the outcome still mocks at me..

I was planning to do it at my gf's place, settle much of it tonight, had things turned out as planned, i would have done as much as i could by 12.. in which my gf's mum would turn in; this is a crucial point cos the freakin' PC is in her room. For the love of God... so that her son's pc game addiction can be turned off slightly. an hour ago. All that effort suddenly crashed down on them with this one simple resultant:- The Boy is still stuck to it.. so much i had to wait 30 mins.. for him to so call level up his character.. i took a little time to eat some light supper.. watched about 15 mins of the show "The Promise".. did some planning stuff on my rough papers.

... he still hasn't finished yet.. so i decided to close my eyes for a short shut'eye.. i really felt liked some time, then i woke up.. and he is still at it. Already tired, fustrated.. i went to my gf's room to retire a little more, next thing is..

********... shoouting, massive shouting..at the boy, then mum at dad... then quiet.. then mum screamed.. shows over boy.

in short everything took a 180 degress spin, slamming right into the dead silence that soon followed.

My mood to do my work was utterly spoilt.. plus her mum decided to sleep.. in such a situation, i really couldn't bring myself to do any work there. In the first place, that place is not an ideal place for me to do any work. I would have prefered my own laptop or PC in my gf's room, personally a laptop might be good since her maid sleeps in her room, then at least i could carry on undisturbed in the living hall.

Now looking back, the screaming was totally unnecessary, which resulted in my gf decision to move out on monday morning to stay at her aunt's place, i really do not know what will happen next...

2006-02-14T02:27:00.000+08:00

there might be a psycho in my house now.. maybe not now.. maybe later.. who knows.. tonight might be the last night i breath on this earth.

Do you know how it feels like to see my own sister crying, this is one sight i have not seen ever of her as a teenager. It feels even weirder when your own sister tells you your mum seems to be going crazy. Who would hold a knife out in the middle of the night contemplating the worst fears, or the worst tragedy.

I really do not know what is next.. perhaps i should never come home.. perhaps my sister should just leave.. both of us leave this place that is becoming a strange land.

2006-02-03T22:02:00.000+08:00

hi... glad i'm back in my room, though i had wished not.. i really wonder, instead of publishing stuff to do with my work.. why this? This is a type of relief for me.

a get away.

There are so many things i wish to get away from, home is one of them. Things din turn out well today anyway, negativity lingers longer than it should and my thoughts get f**king trashed up and down again.

I'm always hit by such darts, most of the time taking it at the most painful places. When i'm on the high and ready to fly... i get pulled back, and my world flashes away from me, in which i only realise after feeling my bruised face, flat on the rocky, merciless ground, that i'm back on zero.. WTF...